It Gets Worse

As a change of pace and for those who live in that portion of Fullerton that is included in the 47th Congressional District, I present ruminations on the pathetic choice presented to you in the 2010 election.

The 007 Motel is right up Anaheim Boulevard!

First, let us speak about the unspeakably stupid, insipid, and yes, truly trashy Loretta Sanchez, the Democrat, who from her home in Palos Verdes has been our representative in Congress for 14 years. Her lame squeaking about things she evidently knows nothing about remind you of the proverbial fingernails on the chalkboard. Her suggestive Christmas cards used to inspire salacious merriment but even those are now useless.

Sanchez has accomplished absolutely nothing in Congress in all those years, and the only saving grace I can think of is that nobody ever expected her to.

Whatever is coming out of his mouth isn't the truth...

On the other side of the aisle we behold the pustulific image of Van Tran, one-time refugee who has taken to the seamier side of American politics like a duck to water. Apart from building a political machine of dubious probity, he has also gouged the taxpayers for an unnecessary housing per diem, as a member of the State Legislature, and his wife was convicted of insurance fraud. And if all that wasn’t bad enough, he was the Dr. Frankenstein that helped created a hideous creature that takes delight in pulling the wings off insects.

It's fun, try it!

Well, what are ya gonna do? You have to vote for somebody. Or not. Some woman named Cecilia Iglesias (related to Julio?) is running as an independent and the deviant hacks over at the unintentionally comical Blue County blog thinks she’s just a troll whose job it is to draw votes away from Sanchez. And you know, that sort of makes me want to do it.

A fire hydrant on every corner and new uniforms for the mail carriers!

But instead, I recommend a write-in vote. For whom, you ask? Jan Flory’s Dog, that’s who. It’s true that I don’t live in the District; but you could do worse than electing a dead dog to Congress. A lot worse.

The “Honorable” Jan Flory, et al.

No, no, put down that broomstick!

Looking down from doggie heaven on you folks I get some interesting perspectives on things. Like right now Fullerton has not a single female liberal running for the city council.

Back in 1982 & 86 it was everyone’s fave featherhead, Molly McClanahan; in 1988 it was Maryevelyn Bryden, a humorless old bat who was trounced by the still marginally cogent Bankhead; in 1992 it was my former broomstick wielding mistress, Jan Flory, who was chain-whipped by the incomprehensible Julie Sa; in 1994, 1998, and 2002 Flory ran again and actually won a couple of times.  In 2004 and 2006 Sharon Quirk and Pam Keller emerged, right on cue to claim their liberal XX chromosonal birthright. In 2008 it was the hapless Karen Haluza.

But now, in 2010? Nobody. The closest thing the Fullerton liberal crowd can point to is Doug Chaffee. And he isn’t a woman.

But wait! All is not lost! There’s always the hand-picked Ed Royce candidate and darling of the Dick Ackerman/dim-bulb Federated Republican Women crowd: Patrick McKinley.

On September 7, Jan Flory gave McKinley $200 – more than she spent on dog food for me in ten years. McKinley’s website also boasts the endorsement of McClanahan, too. So what gives?

Are the Fullerton Dems so sad and pathetic that they have to go along with Royce and Ackerman tools, the same repuglican goons who have worked so tirelessly for decades to undermine Democrat candidates and electeds? Remember that Ed Royce was the sole creator of Leland Wilson who knocked off the liberal beloved Flory in 2002.

And you know, now that I come come to think of it, I have to wonder if these endorsements don’t say just as much about McKinley as they do Flory and McClananhan. Hmm.

Another Reason to Be Glad You Don’t Live in the Bible Belt

Okay, this isn’t about Fullerton, per se, although I have no doubt that there are a few Fullertonian authoritarian Republicans who would subscribe to the ravings of this brain-dead cracker fucktard:

Even up here in dog heaven I thank my lucky stars I didn’t live in Orlando, Florida, and y’all know my life in Fullerton was no bed of roses.

Do yourselves a favor. Next time you run into one of these moronic “neo-con” assholes, make sure to slap ’em up alongside their empty melons. And remember 9/11 by listening to Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.

NAZIs burn books. Free men and women and canines celebrate freedom.

Bruce Whitaker Did Not Kill And Eat Cletus’s Dog

Naw, I done that myself...

UPDATE: We have received the following communication from the Bruce Whitaker for City Council Campaign:

“The rumors that Bruce Whitaker killed and consumed Cletus’s dog are completely false and unfounded. Bruce Whitaker is a normal and healthy carnivore, but has never eaten the flesh of a dog. Such accusations are baseless attacks on an acknowledged frontrunner. We categorically condemn them and ask all fellow candidates to do the same.”

Lately we’ve had some commenters who have questioned whether or not Fullerton council candidate Bruce Whitaker “kilt and et” a dog belonging to some slack-jawed yokel named Cletus.

I know for a fact this rumor is not true because that dog is up here with me in doggy heaven and he told me – Cletus done ate him up last winter when the crick froze over and the pork ‘n beans run out.

So now you know.

The Dingos Took My Baby!

And now, because you deserve it, we present another slow, mental unwinding by everybody’s Southern fried favorite, F. Richard Jones. Here he holds forth on the subject of coyote miscegenation, apparently an area of special expertise. Of course I couldn’t imagine mating with a wolf, at least not without a step ladder.

Remember Friends: when the coyotes attack your home, be sure to obey their commands and avoid eye contact!

One Thousand Posts Later…

Slow down, I only have twenty toes...

Well, Friends, this is our 1000th blog post.

Those thousand posts have taken us from the ridiculous to the sublime; from the arid steppes of Kharakhastan to the steaming jungles of Tanzanisha; into the squalid precincts of the Poisoned Park; through a sad litany of humiliating Redevelopment failures.

Friends around the world have darkened our blogstep, including irrepressible Barney Wewak, the Papuan Highlands tribal headman and 1974 Troy High School exchange student.

We have exposed the unintentional corn pone comedy of our beloved Doc HeeHaw; we have chronicled the heavenly observations of Jan Flory’s deceased canine (me). We have skewered repuglican miscreants and Democrat boohoo spendthrifts. We have awarded coveted Fringie Awards© to the deserving among us.

We have shared the serial nonsense of the Yellowing Submariners at the decrepit and irrelevant Fullerton Observer. We noted the vacuousness of the local mainstream media.

We have blasted unscrupulous carpetbaggers – from the revolting Linda Ackerwoman to the comical Lorri Galloway and the even more comical #2 – Hide and Seek Harry Sidhu whose phony residence at the now infamous Calabria Apartments must rank as the stoopidest stunt ever pulled by an OC politician.

As the Fullerton Redevelopment bureaucrats like to say: much has been accomplished, yet much remains to be done. With the perpetual misbehavin’ and idiocies of our electeds to provide us constant inspiration, we seemingly will always have job security!

Too Fun To Pass Up

Cue the foxtrot

Okay, this isn’t about Fullerton – not directly, anyway, but Janet Nguyen is indeed the Chair of the County Board of Supervisors. And we’re in the County.

Our Fringe Friend Gustavo Arellano has passed along an invite to Ms. Nguyen’s August fundraiser at the OC Weekly with the usual mordant commentary. Depending on the amount you give to her you will be classified:

No level for rickshaw driver?

WTF? You can be a “bamboo?” Or two? Then comes the “Empress” and “Emperor” sponsor level. Sweet Baby Emanicipator! Okay, the comestibles are some sort of Asian fusion blah-blah-blah, but this is America fer chrissakes!

How about a Mandarin level for a hundred bucks? Or a coolie grade for 50 dollars or less?

Poor Bella

As a former abused doggie myself, I know what it’s like to be mistreated. Here is poor “Bella” yanked around as a stage prop by her owner, the infantile 57 year-old airhead Lorri Galloway – who insists on acting like a scatterbrained teenager.

Viewers were shocked when Galloway hoisted this poor girl into the air, putting all her goods on display (not my type, even when I was alive).

We all sort of got the impression that Ms. Galloway would soon be wandering off to her bedroom to have a tea party with her dollies; or maybe play house with the stuffed animals on her bed – Mr. Bonkers and Glenda the Giraffe.

Real nice manicure and coif, though (on Galloway and Bella). Now there’s a couple of high maintenance females.

Register/News Tribune Fail

I lift my leg on them...

Well, they’re at it again. Another on-line “article” in the Register by a Fullerton guy named Dennis Bode who is listed as a “columnist,” but who is, in reality, a local realtor making a sales pitch. They tried that before. Apparently I didn’t sufficiently chastise them.

The piece starts out by belaboring the obvious: termite inspections are helpful and then morphs into an advertisement for Mr. Bode.

The appearance of an ad masquerading as a news story must violate every precept of professional journalism, but hey, times are tough! And I’m just a dog. What do i know?